Feedback Goes Both Ways
The skill that most leaders want to develop
Years ago, when I was working as a school administrator in New Delhi, our director gave every member of the administrative team a copy of Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. I read it, marked it up with notes and dog ears, and found myself returning to its ideas again and again, not just at work but in my personal life too. Some of what I learned from that book has genuinely shaped how I navigate relationships and how I think about my own growth.
I’m writing this piece for anyone in a leadership role, or anyone who aspires to lead from wherever they currently sit, because feedback comes up constantly in the organizations I work with. Leaders want to know how to give it well so they can see performance improve, teams develop, and communication become more effective. Those are worthy goals, and they’re worth pursuing.
But before we get into the how, I want to say something about the why. Giving and receiving feedback well can be one of the most direct ways to build trust in a relationship. And trust is the foundation on which everything else rests. Without it, even well-crafted feedback could land as a threat rather than a gift. If you’d like to explore trust more deeply, including what it takes to restore it when it’s been eroded, I’ve written about that in an earlier post: Building Trust: The Heart of Leadership.
The part we get backward
Most feedback training starts in the same place. Someone stands at the front of the room and walks through a model for delivering feedback: be specific, be timely, focus on behavior, not character. It is useful advice. But it assumes the hard part is on the sender’s side.
Stone and Heen argue we have it backward. We spend enormous energy teaching people to give feedback well, and almost no energy on what happens when it lands. The receiver, they point out, is the one who decides whether anything actually changes. You can deliver feedback with perfect craft, and it will bounce right off. Or you can receive feedback clumsily delivered and still find something useful in it.
Rarely do we ask: what would it take to become a better receiver?
Three kinds of feedback, three different needs
There are three types of feedback, and understanding the difference matters more than most people realize.
Appreciation is relational. It says: I see you, your effort counts, you belong here. Coaching is developmental. Here is what I notice: here is a way you might grow. Evaluation is comparative. It says: here is where you stand relative to expectations or others.
The problem isn’t that we give or receive these imperfectly. The problem is that we often give one when someone needs another. A leader who offers a performance review when a team member needs acknowledgment will find the review falls flat. A colleague who gives enthusiastic coaching when you want to know where you stand will leave you more anxious, not less.
Learning to receive feedback well starts with getting curious about which type you’re actually getting, and whether it matches what you need. Sometimes the most clarifying question you can ask is a simple one: “Are you trying to help me grow, or are you telling me where I stand?”
Why receiving is challenging
The difficulty of receiving feedback is not a character flaw. It’s a feature of being human.
Two core human needs are at the heart of this challenge. We want to learn and grow. And we want to be accepted as we already are. Both needs are legitimate. Both are present at once. When feedback arrives, it can feel like a direct threat to the second need, even when it’s genuinely intended to serve the first.
Add to that what the authors call our “truth triggers,” “relationship triggers,” and “identity triggers.” These are the places where feedback gets blocked, not because the content is off, but because something about the message itself, or the messenger, or the story we’re telling about ourselves makes it nearly impossible to take in. The feedback might be entirely accurate, and we still can’t hear it.
Knowing this doesn’t make receiving feedback easy. But it can change how we relate to our own reactions. When you feel yourself go tight in a conversation, when you want to explain, defend, or dismiss, that’s not weakness. It’s human. From there, you get to choose what comes next.
A few practices worth building
Get curious before you get defensive. Try treating challenging feedback like a puzzle rather than a verdict. Instead of asking "Is this true?" (a question that often leads straight to defensiveness), try asking "What might be true about this?" Even a partial truth is worth finding.
Separate the feedback from the relationship. Some feedback is hard to receive, not because of the content, but because of who delivered it, or how, or when. If your colleague catches you off guard in the break room with pointed criticism, your reaction to the moment may get tangled up with the message itself. It helps to ask: if someone I trusted completely said this to me, what would I do with it?
Ask for what you need. Most of us move through our days without ever telling the people around us what kind of feedback would actually help. You don’t have to wait for feedback to arrive in the wrong form and then manage your disappointment. You can ask. “I’m about to share a draft. I don’t need evaluation yet, just coaching.” “I worked hard on this and would really value some acknowledgment before we get into what needs to change.” This is not demanding. It is self-awareness in action.
Buy yourself some time. You are not required to respond to feedback in the moment. One of the most practical moves a receiver can make is to say, “I need a little time to think about this. Can we talk more next week?” This is not avoidance. It’s giving yourself the space to hear something without your nervous system running the show.
What this makes possible
There is a cultural dimension to all of this that gets underplayed in most feedback conversations. When receivers develop skill and intentionality, what becomes possible on a team changes.
When people learn to take in feedback without collapsing or defending, givers take more risks. They offer more honest, more specific, more useful observations, because they’ve seen that it’s safe to do so. When a team develops shared language around the different types of feedback, they can ask for what they actually need. The entire feedback ecosystem becomes more functional.
None of this means the giver’s skills don’t matter. They do. But the leverage point, as Stone and Heen argue, is with the receiver. One person deciding to receive feedback with more curiosity can shift a team’s entire dynamic over time.
That’s meaningful leadership. Quiet, internal, and entirely available to anyone willing to practice it.
As you develop your capacity to receive feedback with more openness and curiosity, something else begins to shift. You start to notice what makes feedback land well for you: the timing, the framing, the type. That awareness can naturally inform how you show up when it's your turn to give it. Learning to receive feedback well and learning to give it are more connected than they appear. Receiving well may be the better place to begin.
Put it into practice
1. Notice your default reaction to feedback. Most of us have a go-to move when feedback lands hard -- we explain, we deflect, we go quiet, we apologize preemptively. This week, pay attention to what yours is. You don’t have to change it yet—just notice.
Think of a recent piece of feedback that was hard to receive. What was your first instinct? What did you do with it afterward?
2. Identify what kind of feedback you most need right now. Consider a relationship or role where feedback feels lacking or off. Using the three types -- appreciation, coaching, evaluation -- which one are you most hungry for? Which are you getting instead?
Is there someone in your life you could have a direct conversation with about what kind of feedback would actually be helpful? What would it take to initiate that?
3. Practice receiving before you evaluate. The next time someone offers you feedback, try to stay in listening mode a little longer than feels comfortable. Resist the urge to assess whether it’s true or fair. Just take it in, ask a clarifying question, and give yourself time before you respond.
What gets in the way of you staying open in those moments? What would help you pause before reacting?
References
Stone, D., & Heen, S. (2014). Thanks for the feedback: The science and art of receiving feedback well. Viking.
Dear Readers,
If this article resonated with you, leave a comment or a heart. It's always meaningful to hear how these ideas are landing, whether you're reflecting on them personally or bringing them into your organization or team.
With gratitude, Melissa
I am reposting - this is so so helpful and beautifully written. Thank you.